Four Killers of Relationship
John Gottman identified relationship barriers as what he referred to as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. We recognize these as self-protective mechanisms that, in fact, are guaranteed to destroy our relationship. That’s because they originate in unresolved pain from our past. Instead of being in relationship and intimate with another, they signal distance from our partner.
We tend to “fool ourselves” with these subconscious efforts to protect ourselves, but what happens, in reality, is that we self-sabotage. They are designed to do exactly what we don’t want to happen, to alienate us from our partner.
Ask yourself about your behaviors within your so-called “intimate relationships.” Do you find yourself critical, defensive, holding contemptuous feelings for the one you said you loved? Do you stonewall when your partner is reaching out to address an issue of importance to him or her?
Awareness is the first step to resolution. Take this bit of understanding and shine a light on your and your partner’s behavior. Change your mind first, before you decide to change your partner.
About the author, Saleh
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